Saruwatari Michiyo: July 2009

it might be long but touching
>> Dear family and friends
>>> We read stuffs like this all the time but we stubbornly
> do not learn from it.
>> Take some time to read.
>> It has brought tears to my eyes!!!
>> > This is long but really worth reading and is a true story ...
> you may have received it..
>but it is worth to be reminded of it
> again.
> >> >> > WHAT GRUDGES CAN DO...
.> > =======================> > >> >
This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed
> individuals, who take life for granted. Please I BEG YOU,
> read this story until the
> > END, it is such an opener. You never Know.........!
> >
> >> > Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up
> the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown
> and spend her remaining years with
> > us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still
> very young.
> > Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on
> her own to provide for him, see him through to
> a university degree. You could say that she
> > suffered a great deal and did everything you could
> expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I
> immediately agreed and started
> > packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing
> the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and
> plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and
> suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and
> round. As I begged him to put me down, he said:
> "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby
> > is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his
> chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up
> at any moment and put the tiny me into his pockets
.> > Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back
> down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head
> continuously until I surrender
> > and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of
> panic-joy feeling.
> > > > Mother brought along her countryside habits and
> lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying
> flowers to decorate the living room,
> > she could not stand it and would comment: "I do
> not know how you young people spend your money, why do you
> buy flowers for? You also can't
> > eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum
,> with flowers in the house, our mood will also
> become better." Mother continues to grumble away,
> and hubb
y> > smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit;
> slowly you will get use to it.
"> > > > Mother stopped saying anything. But every
> time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she
> would ask me how much it costs. I
> > told her and she would shake her head
> and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with
> lots of shopping bags, she would ask
> > each and every item how much they cost, I would tell
> her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.
> Hubby playfully pinched my nose
> > and said: "You little fool, just don't tell
> her the full price of everything would solve it."
> > > > There begins the friction to our otherwise happy
> lifestyle.
> > > > Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to
> prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of
> > the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table,
> mother's facial expression is always like the dark
> clouds before a thunderstorm and I
> > would pretend not to notice. She would use her
> chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent
> protest.
> > > > As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace
> and am exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do
> not wish to give up the luxury of
> > that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed
> and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother
> makes. From time to time, mother
> > would help out with some housework, but soon her help
> created additional work for me. For example: she would
> keep all kinds of plastic bags
> > accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and
> resulted in our house being filled with all the trash
> bags; she would scrimp on dish washing
> > detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as
> not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them
> again.
> > > > One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing
> the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door
> and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was
> > placed in a difficult position, and after that, he
> did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to
> be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally
> > ignored me.... I got mad and asked
> him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me
> and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We
> couldn't
> > possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it
> is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of
> time, mother did not speak to me and
> > you can feel that there is a very
> awkward feeling hanging in the house.
> > During that period of cold war, hubby was caught
> in dilemma as to who to please.
> > > > In order to stop her son from having to
> prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all
> important" task of preparing breakfast without any
> prompting. At the
> > breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily
> eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at
> me for having failed to perform my duty as
> > a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast
> situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my
> way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a
> little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because
> you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's
> why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his
> back
> > on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of
> unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed:
> "LD, just for me, can you have
> > breakfast at home?" I am left with
> no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
> > > > The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by
> mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and
> everything inside
> > seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress
> the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the
> bowl, rushed into the washroom, and
> > vomited everything out. Just as I was
> catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling
> very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at
> > the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning
> in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of
> it, I really did not mean it
.> >> > We had our very first big fight that day; mother
> took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way
> out of the house. Hubby gave me a final
> > stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.
> For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a
> phone call. I was so furious, since mother
> > arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up
> with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason,
> I keep having the feeling to throw up and I
> > simply have no appetite for food, coupled with
> all the events happening at home, I was then at the low point
> in my life.
> > > > Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look
> terrible; you should go and see a doctor."
> The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
> > Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful
> morning, a sense of sadness floated through
> that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and
> > mother who had been through this before, thought of
> the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the
> hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing
> > there. It had only been three days, but he looked
> haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at
> him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and
> > called out to him. He followed my voice
> and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't
> know me; he has that disgusted look in his
> > eyes that cut right through my heart. I
> told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
> At that moment, I have such a strong urge
> > inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I
> am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and
> spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted
> > didn't happen and as I sat in the cab,
> my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love
> couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
> > > > Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my
> hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried
> and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of
> > the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the
> lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face.
> He was
> > removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he
> ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and
> left the house. Maybe he really
> > intends to leave me for good.. What a
> rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I
> gave a few dried laugh and
> > tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I
> did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a
> good talk with hubby. I reached
> > his office and his secretary gave me a weird look
> and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident
> and is now in the hospital."
> > > > I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and
> by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed
> away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was
> > expressionless. I looked at mother's
> pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the
> tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?
> > Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say
> a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted
> stare at me. I only managed to find out brief
> > facts about the accident from other people.
> > That day, after mother left the house, she walked in
> dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back
> to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby
> ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried
> to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I
> finally understood how
> > much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that
> morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I
> am indirectly the killer of his mother..
> > > > Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every
> night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me,
> I am buried under the guilt
> > and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted
> to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our
> baby soon but each time, I saw the
> > dead look in his eyes, all the words I have
> at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather
> he hit me real hard or give me a big and
> > thorough scolding though none of these events
> happening had been my fault at all.
> > Many days of suffocating silence went by and as
> the days went by, hubby came home later and later.
> > The deadlock between us continues, we were living
> together like strangers who don't know each other. I
> am like the dead knot in his heart.
> > > > One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking
> into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting
> facing each other and he very lightly
> > brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
> After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the
> restaurant, stood in front of
> > my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my
> eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need
> to say anything. The girl looked
> > at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go,
> hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared
> back at me,challenging me. I can
> > only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as
> if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I
>had stood that any longer,
> I will collapse
> together with the baby inside me. That night, he
> did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to
> indicate to me:
> Following mother's death so
> did our love for each other.
> > > > He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes,
> when I returned home from work, I can tell that the
> cupboard had been touched - he had returned to
> take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the
> initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I
> lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my
> heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy
> carefully helping his wife through the physical
> examination. My office colleagues
> > hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told
> them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby,
> perhaps it is my way of repaying mother
> > for causing her death. One day, I came home and I
> saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was
> filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee
> > table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it
> is all about without even looking at it. In the two
> months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned
> > to find peace within myself.
> > I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You
> wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed
> feelings in his eyes, just like mine.
> > > > As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself
> "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes
> hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from
> there
.> > After I hung up my coat, hubby's
> eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked
> over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me.
>
> Without even looking at what it says,
> I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.
> "LD, are you pregnant?"
> Since mother's accident, this is the first time he
> spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and
> they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok,
> you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark,
> we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his
> tear wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so
> far away, so far that
> > even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot
> remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to
> me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him,
> but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of
> that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never
> forget, ever.
> > We have drawn such deep scars in each other's
> heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally
> intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of
> > reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone
> past is gone forever and could not be repeated.
> > > > Other than the thought of the baby inside me that
> would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold
> towards him, I no longer eat anything he
> > buys for me, I don't take any presents from him
> and I stopped talking to him..
> > From the moment I signed on that piece of paper,
> marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes,
> hubby will try to come into the
> > bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the
> living room.
> > He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room.
> At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of
> groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last
> > time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake
> illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong
> with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has
> > forgotten that last time I cared for him
> and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is
> there between us?
> > Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I
> continuously ignored him.
> > > > Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby,
> infant products, children products and books that kids
> like to read.
> > Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it
> is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to
> me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has
> no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear
> him typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is
> now addicted to web surfing but none
> > of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime
> towards the end of spring in the following year, one
> late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach
> pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he
> did not change and sleep, and had been waiting
> for this moment. He carried me and ran down the
> stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and
> kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey
> to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital,
> he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying
> on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a though
t> crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love
> me as much as he did?
> > > > He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me
> go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him
> despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the
> delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear
> with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched
> his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he
> slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in
> pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of
> his... I had
> > thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but
> the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting
> through my body at that moment.
> > Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had
> liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was
> a miracle that he managed
> > to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first
> discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago
> and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his
> > funeral."
> > > > I disregarded the nurse's objection and
> rushed home, I went into his room and checked his
> computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's
> cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning
> was real, and I had thought that... the
> computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our
> son:
> > "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able
> to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish
> now... I know that in your life, you will have many
> happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany
> you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But
> daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has
> written inside here all the possible difficulties and
> problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you
> meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's> suggestion....
> >> > Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel
> as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be
> honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she
> has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also
> the one who loves me most..."
> > From play school to primary school,
> to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing
> with questions of love, everything big and small was
> > written there.
> > > > Hubby has also written a letter for me:
> > > > "My dear, to marry you is my biggest
> happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you,
> forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I
> > want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for
> the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means
> that you have forgiven me and I
> > would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents,
> I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally,
> could you help me to give some
> > of them to him every year, the dates on what to give
> when are all written on the packaging... "
> > > > Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I
> brought our son over and place him beside him. I said:
> "Open your eyes and smile, I want
> > our son to remember being in the warmth of your
> arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a
> weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily
> > waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button
> on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through
> the air as tears slowly rolled down my
> > face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who
> loves me the most in this world is gone
> forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after
> another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family.
> Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet
> and peaceful moments in her remaining years
> > with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret
> is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too
> late.".........
> > > > This is a true story!

>> > LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

> >> > I am totally speechless, this story brought tears
> to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what
> would happen next. It truly showed
> > the devastating power of grudges and anger!
> > Simple humility and communication would have
> resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as
> patience.... This story has really touched
> > my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a
> paradigm shift.
> > Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to
> know that from today, I can consciously start to live a
> life free of grudge.
> People, please...let's live a life devoid of grudges.
> Communication with your loved ones, is THE key.

Saruwatari Michiyo

Friday, July 3, 2009

it might be long but touching

I AM THANKFUL:

words which is meaningful

About Me